


Unwanted Truth

by DecafReader



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Light Angst, Panic, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Strong Female Characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-11-22 01:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20865437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DecafReader/pseuds/DecafReader
Summary: Story about an OC who is part of the knights of the roundtable and in a secret relationship with Gwaine. Since she is a woman, she has fought and worked really hard to become a knight, but now she learns something that threatens to destroy her title. She needs to figure out what to do.





	1. Chapter 1

"Everyone okay?" heaved Arthur.

"Yeah, think so,'' answered Leon looking around. Everyone was out of breath and a bit bruised, but thankfully no one was hurt.  
Unable to muster any energy to speak, she nodded in agreement. She went to take a step when suddenly the world swayed. She weakly grasped the nearest tree and blinked a couple of times to shake the dizziness away. Instead, dark spots swam before her and she felt herself falling towards them.  
She heard Gwaine's concerned voice as he caught her by the waist, but she couldn't separate his words from the ringing in her ears. She went to put a reassuring hand on him, but the ground disappeared beneath her feet and she fell into darkness.

______________________________________________________________________

She sat still and unblinking as Gaius tried but almost failed not to burn her eyes out with his lantern. After she had lost consciousness, the others had rushed her to the castle. She did not ask how they ended up carrying her here, partly because she did not want to know the humiliating details and partly because she was currently too concerned with Gaius' diagnosis to worry about her dignity. Besides, it was already in shambles the moment she had fainted after a mere small scrimmage.

Behind Gaius, she could see Merlin and Gwaine's worried faces. She tried not to look at them. Looking at a distraught Gwaine made her feel like he was wringing her insides instead of his hands. She could see that he was dying to ask Gaius what was wrong. Silently, she hoped the old doctor would not disclose his conclusion in front of everyone or better yet he would simply announce that she was just dehydrated or tired. At this point, she did not care about the teasing this would ensue, as long as..well..the other thing did not happen.

Finally, Gaius stood up and smiled. "Looks like you were just tired. There is absolutely nothing to worry about". For a second she almost breathed a sigh of relief, but then she saw his face and her heart beat faster. He was lying. She could see it. He had just told her not to worry, but his eyes were saying something else.

He turned to Gwaine, "However, she still needs rest". He put his hands on Gwaine's shoulders and started pushing him towards the door.  
"Wait, wait, that's it? Are you sure?" Gwaine blustered.  
Gaius stopped and raised an eyebrow. " Sir Gwaine, are you questioning my abilities? Maybe you have a better diagnosis?"  
"No, no I just..it is not like her." Gwaine stammered.  
"I told you, just tired. Now get out or you will be the reason she will not get better."  
That got Gwaine moving. She offered him what she hoped was a reassuring smile before the door was shut in his face.  
Gaius sighed and stood a moment at the door, his back to the room.

Merlin shot her a questioning look. "Uhh, Gaius? You okay?" he asked.

Ignoring Merlin, the old man sat down on the stool next to the bed and gave her a long and grave look. Her stomach dropped. The thought that had been gnawing at her for weeks and that she'd been so furiously denying was now demanding to be heard and acknowledged. She stared back at Gaius, not daring to breathe, vainly hoping and praying she was wrong.

Merlin glanced between the two of them; confused. "Uh...What's wrong? Gaius, I thought you said she's fine."  
He did not answer, but said to her in a heavy voice,  
"I think you already know what I am going to say".  
She bit back a whimper as her world, her life started unravelling around her.  
She opened her mouth to protest, to argue, but the words failed her. "It ..it is impossible" she finally managed to choke out.  
"What's impossible?" Merlin asked confused.  
Again, Gaius ignored him and said softly, " You have all the symptoms".

"But I took every precaution", she practically wailed. "I was careful, I made sure because I knew what this would cost me. How can this-"  
"You know as well as I do that not everything is a hundred percent."

She deflated as all the fight drained out of her. She could no longer deny the suspicions that had been eating away at her for the past couple of weeks.

"Wh-What?", Merlin blustered, exasperated with their coded conversation. "She has all the signs of what? And what do you mean by "took all the precaution"? What is wrong?". He looked between the two of them, worry etched all over his face.  
She hesitantly placed a hand on her abdomen. Something she had avoided doing ever since the thought had started to haunt her, scared of what she might feel there. She looked up at him and finally found the courage to say out loud the words that would destroy the life she had spent so long fighting for.

"I'm pregnant.".


	2. Her body Her Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention earlier that Merlin is the only one aware of her relationship with Gwaine. And Gaius too now I guess.

“Are you going to tell Gwaine?” Merlin asked hesitantly. 

She wrapped her arms around herself and frowned. She had been scared at first, but now she was angry. Angry that this was happening to her, angry that she had let herself get in this situation in the first place, angry at Gwaine for walking into her life, but mostly, she was angry that none of the other knights had to ever worry about something like this happening. They could fool around as much as they wanted without any fear of repercussions. It had taken her years to be considered worthy in the eyes of Arthur and now that she finally was, she could not even enjoy one simple natural joy of life without it all going to hell. 

“No,'' she finally replied coldly. 

Merlin’s eyes widened. “No? Are - are you sure? Isn’t it his too? Shouldn’t you at least talk-”

“Why isn’t it in his body then?” She snapped. 

Merlin flinched. She sighed. She knew she was getting mad at the wrong person, but there was truth in her words. Yes, it was Gwaine’s child too, but it was her body. He was not the one that was going to deal with the consequences. It was not his life that was about to drastically change. She was the one that was at risk of losing her title as a knight of Camelot, she was the one who would get lewd remarks if people found out she gave birth out of wedlock. She was the one that could possibly die in childbirth. That is if she went that far. 

She got up. She needed to get out before she lost her mind. She needed to hit something or someone. 

“Where do you think you are going?” asked Gaius. 

“I have got a training session to get to” she replied over her shoulders, already heading for the door. 

Merlin grabbed her arm. “Are you crazy?” he asked incredulously. “You can’t go out and fight with swords, not after you just..” he gestured helplessly at her stomach. She glowered at him and yanked her arm back. 

“This” she mimicked Merlin’s gesture at her stomach “will not stop me”.

“At least tell Arthur” he pleaded. “You could get seriously hurt”. He paused and then finally seemed to get over his embarrassment. “Your child could get seriously hurt”. He looked down, not meeting her eyes as if her pregnancy was contagious. 

She knew Merlin was just being his awkward self, but it still irked her. Everything seemed to irk her these days.  
“It won’t matter,” she said matter-of-factly.

She then turned and looked at Gaius. He met her gaze, held it, and then finally nodded. Good, she thought.

“Tonight?” he asked solemnly. 

She paused before answering. There was no coming back from this. But then she realized there was nothing to come back to. No matter what happened, her life would never be the same again. 

“Yes”, she answered, “tonight”. And then she turned and left, leaving Merlin staring after her, realization dawning upon him.


	3. Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention earlier: Just like Merlin knows about her relationship with Gwaine, she knows about his magic.

She grimaced under the weight of her armour and tried to get a better grip on her sword. Ever since Gaius had confirmed her suspicions, she suddenly felt awkward and uncomfortable in her own body. Like it did not belong to her anymore. 

Arthur was sparring with Percival as the others offered them a mix of cheers and jeers. She was next in line to fight the winner and the clanging of swords and the loud shouts of the others were putting her on edge. She bounced on her feet, just wanting to take a swing at something. 

She caught Merlin’s eye, who was standing by the side with the extra equipment. He watched her, brows furrowed. She returned his gaze, daring him to say something. She knew he was worried and did not approve of her participating, but right now, she just needed to do something for herself. 

Gwaine stood not far off, and like Merlin, he kept casting worried glances her way. She was not sure how she felt about him right now. This whole thing was not his fault either. It was not like he had forced her to do anything she had not wanted to do. He had tried to talk to her earlier, but she had quickly brushed him off. She told herself it was because she couldn’t deal with his concern right now. But if she was being honest with herself, she knew it was because she would tell him everything. 

“Oi! You coming?” shouted a victorious Arthur at her. He was grinning, his sword over his shoulder while Percival grumbled off to where the other knights were standing. 

She nodded and started heading towards the open center. Too late, Merlin beat her to it. 

“Are you sure this is such a good idea?” He asked Arthur. “I mean, she fainted just THIS morning”. She glowered at him and he wisely avoided her gaze. “I am fine”, she cut in before Merlin said more. Arthur surveyed her. “You sure? I think Merlin is right. It is probably best if you sit this one out and join us tomorrow. I do not want to make your condition worse.”  
“No!” She practically shouted. Arthur raised his brows in surprise. “ I swear, I feel good. I want to spar”. He still looked at her skeptically. “Please” she added, “just one fight and I promise I will head right up to bed”. She gave him her most innocent smile.  
Arthur sighed. “Well, if you say you feel well, I won’t stop you. Merlin, move out of the way”. Merlin started to protest but Arthur waved him off and she breathed a sigh of relief. 

She positioned herself and nodded at Arthur to begin. He came at her quickly, with rapid short jabs that she deflected easily. She pressed him back with an underhand swing that he listlessly avoided. When he did not return an attack, she advanced again. Again he backed away half-heartedly, but barely.

She frowned. And then she realized that he was just going to let her disarm him so she returns back to her chambers. Like a good little girl, she thought hotly. Her blood boiled. She clenched her hand on her sword and lunged at him with all her strength. Surprised at the sudden ferociousness of her attack, Arthur raised his sword to meet hers. Metal clashed against metal and she felt the vibration down to her bones. She pushed with all the intensity of the emotions she’d been feeling these past few weeks. Their swords untangled, but the energy of her swing caused her to lose her balance and her grip on her weapon. Arthur saw his opening and swung his sword at her vulnerable chest. She couldn’t do anything to stop it and she felt herself leaning forward to meet it. Almost welcoming the dangerous impact. 

But it never came. Instead, Arthur’s sword landed a few feet away from her. She stared at it confused and then looked up at Arthur only to find him staring at it quizzically as well. “What the hell…? It just flew right out of my hands.” While Arthur examined his hands, turning them over with that puzzled look still on his face, she snapped her head straight at Merlin. It was his turn to coolly return her gaze, daring her to do something. 

Suddenly, all the raging fight and passion she had felt earlier deflated out of her. Her shoulders slumped and she closed her eyes. 

Arthur stuck out his hand to help her up, finally done mulling over the mystery of his sword. She took it and let him pull her up. 

“You want to have another go?”

“No, I am good. And like I promised, I am going to head to bed.” She smiled at him, hoping it looked convincing enough and made her way back to the castle. She did not turn to look, but she could feel all of their eyes on her. Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and walked on.


	4. The Night of the Procedure

That night, she went back to Gaius' laboratory in a simple shift and a shawl wrapped tightly around her shivering shoulders. She was sitting on the bed he had arranged for her while he worked on some last-minute preparations. 

Merlin had tried to help, but he kept knocking things over and mishearing Gaius’ directions until Gaius got annoyed and shooed him away. Now that he no longer had something to do, he wrung his red scarf around his hands and bounced his knee while he sat in the far corner of the room. She tried not to look at him. This whole thing was unnerving enough. Earlier today, she had acted so tough, but now that the moment had come, she wanted to just curl in on herself where she sat, close her eyes and never wake up. She pulled the shawl closer to her.

“Alright”, murmured Gaius, “ Everything is ready” He straightened. “Are you?” 

For a moment there she froze. Her chest tightened, her throat closed up and she couldn’t move. 

She felt the weight of both of their eyes on her. 

“Yes”, she finally managed to choke out. 

Gaius nodded and held out a small vial of pink liquid. “Drink up” he ordered, “ This will numb the pain”. She was about to take it when Merlin asked suddenly, “Will it numb all the pain?”

She glanced at Gaius for his answer, who sighed, and nodded slowly as if this was not the first time he was answering this question, “Yes, all of it. You will not feel a thing.” If she had hoped that that would calm her, she was wrong. The horrible feeling in her stomach stayed put. Taking a deep breath, she drank it in one gulp and almost retched the foul liquid back all up. “Ugh” she pushed the back of her hand on her mouth. 

Gaius peered at her, frowning. "As I said, it will eliminate any pain you will feel, but it will not eliminate the risks involved in this procedure.”

She didn't say anything to that. Avoiding his gaze, she returned the vial back to him and hoped he did not notice her trembling hands nor hear her thundering heart.

With a shaking breath, she pulled her feet up on the bed and lay down. Even though Merlin had lit the fire and the room was stifling hot, she was still shivering. Gaius sat down on the stool next to her, with another vial in one hand and something with the silver shine of metal in his other hand. She did not try to look at it closely. Instead, with blood pounding in her ears, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to tune out the loud thudding of her heartbeat. Except... How do you ignore something that powerful? How do you not listen to something as genuine as your own heart? 

She bolted upright. Gaius jumped back, looking at her in bewilderment. 

“I can’t” she gasped. “I can’t do this”. The room spun and she gripped her head, shaking it and moaning over and over again, “ No, no, no I can't.'' She couldn't go through with this. Not alone, not like this. She did not know what she should be doing, but she knew that this was not it. 

“That is okay,'' Gaius said softly. He reached to put a reassuring hand on her but she jumped up as if burned. “I am sorry, I need -I need to get out,'' she stammered desperately. The walls were closing in on her and she was having trouble catching her breath. 

“I can’t do it” she kept crying softly as she stumbled backwards out of the room, shaking her head at the two men who watched her helplessly. She kept repeating that even as she turned and fled the room.

She heard Merlin call after her, but she did not stop. She kept on running, just like the tears kept on falling and her feet kept on going until they brought her in front of Gwaine’s door.


	5. I'm pregnant

She banged on his door. Pleading him to open as if she was being chased by a monster and he was her safety. The door was suddenly yanked open and she stumbled straight into his arms, grasping him for dear life. 

His voice was full of concern and confusion when he said her name. Simply hearing his voice filled her with comfort and she was about to tell him everything when a chair scraped and she heard her name uttered again with that same confusion. 

She jumped back from Gwaine as if burned. Desperately avoiding to look at Elyan, she kept her gaze down, suddenly embarrassed by the frantic way she had just run into the room, and vividly aware of how delirious she must look with her hair hanging loose and her skimpy robe and shawl wrapped around her. She tugged it closer, wishing she could just disappear inside it. If the other knights had been unaware of her relationship with Gwaine, she was pretty sure they had no doubts now. 

The three of them stood frozen for a moment. Her, trying to make the ground open up so it can swallow her, Gwaine, torn between consoling her and still keeping their relationship a secret and Elyan, just utterly confused about the scene before him. 

Finally, he seemed to understand enough of the situation to realize that he had no role to play and started to leave.  
“I’ll just..just head to bed now” He moved around the table that still held an unfinished game of cards and slipped out the door quietly, shooting her a final worried look before closing the door behind him. 

With Elyan gone now and nothing and nobody left between her and Gwaine, she became keenly aware that she had no idea how she was going to tell him.

“Hey”, he said softly, tentatively placing his arms around her. She let herself be pulled closer and buried her face in his chest. He rubbed her back gently, drawing slow circles as he gave her all the time she needed to speak.  
With his strong arms finally around her, some of the tension and worry of the past weeks seemed to slowly dissolve. 

But as much as she tried to calm her racing heart, her thoughts swirled dangerously in her head. Guilt at having kept this from him gnawed hungrily at her stomach, fear of how he might react tightened her chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. She twisted the fabric of his shirt, her knuckles turning white as she tried to drown everything down and focus only on his steady heartbeat.  
In the end, she couldn’t take it anymore. She squeezed her eyes shut and ripped the band-aid. “I’m pregnant”, she blurted. 

The world froze as she braced herself for his response.

“What’s that?” he murmured, his hand not even slowing on her back. 

Stupidly, she realized she still had her face pressed against his chest. She shifted and for a second she wondered if she should just say something else, invent some other excuse for barging into his room, but panic seized her again and she realized that no matter what happened, she needed to tell him. She needed him. 

"I’m pregnant", she tried again. This time delicately. 

She felt him stiffen. His hand froze on her back. 

“What?”, he whispered. 

Please don’t make me say it again, she begged silently. Her eyes started to sting again. Avoiding his gaze she repeated, “I’m pregnant”. 

“What?”

She pressed her palms to her eyes but there was no stopping the tears, “I’m pregnant” she quavered.

“You’re what?” He insisted again. Finally, she looked at him. She expected to find confusion or fear on his face, but instead, there was- 

“I’m pregnant” she repeated slowly. His eyes lit up and he gripped her shoulders tightly.

“What?” he asked again his excitement clearly burgeoning now as if he would never be tired of hearing her say it. 

Surprised, she found his elation contagious and she suddenly caught herself repeating the words over and over again, each one sounding more surer than the last. Her sobs turned into giggles and very quickly laughter as he gathered her in his arms and swung her around. His own eyes now wet with tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you would like an update. I am hesitant to post this last chapter.


End file.
